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Originally Posted by TheGal
So sorry to hear about your arrhythmia, pliepla. I hope it is mild and not severe.
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It is not that bad. Probably triggered by an antidepressant and as I have been off since three years, my heart turns out to be more regular than the average healthy heart. But I do have an ICD (implantable cardioverter-defibrillator) and I am no longer allowed to work out intensively. All this has been a major life change and especially the ICD drains all my confidence, especially when it comes to dating.
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Originally Posted by TheGal
Do you have a psychologist with whom you feel safe and can talk freely? That might help you more than a psychiatrist.
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I do have a psychologist. I trust her. More or less. She's my best bet but I do have a history of therapists who didn't listen and a psychiatrist who eventually turned to victim blaming. I have trust issues since then and it is hard, but she does make a difference.
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Originally Posted by TheGal
I've hit myself in the past, not so long ago actually, and so your story resonated with me on that level. I take medication, but I don't think it helps with the hitting I think, in my case, I cannot or am prevented from expressing myself... I think I'm overwhelmed with emotion and I do it as a release. I am still trying to figure out the dynamic, to be honest.
Do you have any insight as to why you do it? I'd be interested to hear what you have to say...
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I used to tear and bite away the skin around my nails from when I was +/- 14. I don't do that anymore. It doesn't hurt anymore.
I started hitting in an impulse, mostly hen I was overwhelmed by emotions. My earliest recollection - I might have started earlier, but I can't remember - goes back to my early thirties. I had a very troublesome relationship with my mother and I ended up hitting myself when she was yelling at me (which sometimes lasted for an hour or more). Later on, I "slipped" when I went through strong emotions, but it was all in an impulse.
At some point I got married (and was hitting myself from time to time in the beginning of that relationship) and eventually divorced four years ago. But as I grew more confident, I managed to leave the self harm (also the cutting at my fingertips) behind for a good ten years. And then, about a year and a half ago, due to things that were happening en therapy - I was in a CBT based program, felt forced to do things I was uncomfortable with and my feedback was ignored - it happened again in an impulse. After that, I was put under pressure to go for a leisurely bike ride - I used to go mountainbiking and was always pushing myself to the limit - and I slipped twice.
Recently, I found myself deeply in love with a woman who just broke up and is probably not ready for any step beyond friendship (I don't even have a clue whether I would ever stand a chance). I have been hitting myself more frequently than ever these last two months. I also notice a shift: where it used to happen in an impulse in the beginning, I have also become well aware of the soothing effect. I do fight the urge but I end up planning, sometimes even trying to push myself over the edge by creating the right atmosphere (like playing music that is connected with certain memories).
This shift does worry me. I read somewhere that men are more prone to forms of self injury that happen in an impulse. Hitting for instance. I am not al all at ease with the evolution I am going through and I am really frightened that I might at some day decide to turn to other, more efficient, means which intrinsically require more planning.