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Originally Posted by pliepla
It is not that bad. Probably triggered by an antidepressant and as I have been off since three years, my heart turns out to be more regular than the average healthy heart. But I do have an ICD (implantable cardioverter-defibrillator) and I am no longer allowed to work out intensively. All this has been a major life change and especially the ICD drains all my confidence, especially when it comes to dating.
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Hope all continues to go well with the ICD. It is a major life change, as you say. I have blocked carotids which I have to have re-evaluated this year so that I may resume exercise. Again, sorry to hear about the arrhythmia possibly due to meds...
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Originally Posted by pliepla
I do have a psychologist. I trust her. More or less. She's my best bet but I do have a history of therapists who didn't listen and a psychiatrist who eventually turned to victim blaming. I have trust issues since then and it is hard, but she does make a difference.
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I, too, am developing trust issues... I am currently without a psychiatrist and also a family doctor. I have to go to walk-in clinics for my meds. My former psychiatrist (who I left) gave me very bad financial advice and made me feel ashamed that I have MI. Looking back, I ought to have stood up to him, but I was in too weak of a position and very vulnerable. I feel like I've been injured by that person.
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Originally Posted by pliepla
I used to tear and bite away the skin around my nails from when I was +/- 14. I don't do that anymore. It doesn't hurt anymore.
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I used to bite and tear my nails when I was a kid, but I stopped, only to have taken it up a few years ago since my breakdown.
I read (at the link below) that the injurious behaviour could be a way of dealing with aggression or anxiety. I think for me, it is the latter.
The Psychology Behind Nail Biting
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Originally Posted by pliepla
I started hitting in an impulse, mostly hen I was overwhelmed by emotions. My earliest recollection - I might have started earlier, but I can't remember - goes back to my early thirties. I had a very troublesome relationship with my mother and I ended up hitting myself when she was yelling at me (which sometimes lasted for an hour or more). Later on, I "slipped" when I went through strong emotions, but it was all in an impulse.
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Interesting. Yes, I think it is mainly impulsive for me as a way of dealing with overwhelming emotions. I really want to be more proactive in identifying the emotions and learning how to express them. For now, I am trying to quickly leave situations which are volatile emotionally... meaning, i get up and go out.
So sorry to hear you were yelled at for so long... that is a demeaning and humiliating experience.
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Originally Posted by pliepla
At some point I got married (and was hitting myself from time to time in the beginning of that relationship) and eventually divorced four years ago. But as I grew more confident, I managed to leave the self harm (also the cutting at my fingertips) behind for a good ten years. And then, about a year and a half ago, due to things that were happening en therapy - I was in a CBT based program, felt forced to do things I was uncomfortable with and my feedback was ignored - it happened again in an impulse. After that, I was put under pressure to go for a leisurely bike ride - I used to go mountainbiking and was always pushing myself to the limit - and I slipped twice.
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I'm sorry to hear that you were coerced in therapy and that your feedback was ignored. I know what that's like as well... I hit myself when I was in an emotionally relationship in my 30s because I wasn't listened to. I was barked at. That was the first time I hit myself; although, I do count the banging of my head on the floor when I was a toddler and not respected to be the first time I engaged in self-injury.
The hitting has resurfaced since I've been seeing a so-called therapist six months ago... it's starting to turn into a more regular occurrence, and I don't want to do it anymore really. I want to tell the therapist off, but am afraid to because I don't have a pdoc nor even a family doc.
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Originally Posted by pliepla
Recently, I found myself deeply in love with a woman who just broke up and is probably not ready for any step beyond friendship (I don't even have a clue whether I would ever stand a chance). I have been hitting myself more frequently than ever these last two months. I also notice a shift: where it used to happen in an impulse in the beginning, I have also become well aware of the soothing effect. I do fight the urge but I end up planning, sometimes even trying to push myself over the edge by creating the right atmosphere (like playing music that is connected with certain memories).
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Unrequited love: another intense emotion.
It sounds like you're doing controlled releases and that it is intentional now.
I fantasize about other injurious behaviours, but I'm worried those fantasies might turn into a reality.
My overall feeling is that it's a slippery slope and we have to be careful.
I need to better learn how to deal with my emotions.
Have you heard of the open chair technique in Gestalt therapy? I think it could really help people such as us.
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Originally Posted by pliepla
This shift does worry me. I read somewhere that men are more prone to forms of self injury that happen in an impulse. Hitting for instance. I am not al all at ease with the evolution I am going through and I am really frightened that I might at some day decide to turn to other, more efficient, means which intrinsically require more planning.
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There is a certain kind of glee to planning and a sense of control... The rise and ego boost... I worry about that actually.
Thank you so much for sharing you're story with me pliepla.
Virtual hugs to you, if wanted.