You're not a terrible person. It's called mania for a reason. You're not in your normal state of mind and you do things you normally wouldn't do so don't be so hard on yourself 
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"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
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