If I wanted to eat a sandwich, we had to stop on the side of the road so it doesn't get in the vehicle. I cleaned that vehicle, and sanded trailers, blasted them, welded housing foundation cones, cleaned mud out of oil rig vacuum tanks.. It was like 1000's of years.

I had sooo much.. incredible amount of motivation. And it was all used up.. I broke down. I was the sweetest, kind, loving, spacey kid. I had problems. Society... And evil. Now I know..

Now I know.. I can't work hard, I have to work smart. And I have so much trouble saying no.. So much that I'd walk the dirt road infinity path, cuz other people tell me to....

I have to.. stand up for myself. But I need.. to collect more information.. And BB? It's the same thing with the autist speed friend.. We are in love - But she takes up all of my time. BUT REMEMBER... that's not a bad thing.. feeding off of mania - As long as people are there for you during the depression/lows etc..

I'm mind bending, the walls of text (But also the ideas I write), and observations, AvPD etc.. I didn't ask for a relationship. I just wanted to be friends - But she has more feelings for me, it's lovingly positive...

I just need.. To not be zombified. I got 100 years worth of ideas from DPDR. But look at job, reading all of those philosophical literature.. I do have a lot of hobbies - But damn.. I always complain about these things.. the scatteredness of focus, not being able to start and finish things, concentration - So there we go, meditation, exercise, mindfulness, gratitude etc.. And the podcasts, they helped........ Reading a few books, constant..

Constant.. Like I didn't know that I was manic (When I was) or in psychosis.. I was just like "the paradox" (Infinity basically) - But I had so much energy, agitation, irritability. My moms ex was an "alpha male", stomping around upstairs, and I was fearing the annoyance. And my mom is annoying too. I can't get a ****ing break from life. I have to argue with people, to advocate for myself just every second of any decision that I make.. Society is dying too. Wtf was the pandemic. Everyone didn't even wake up. 1984 etc.. Yknow..

I'm done. I'm not talking. Everyone can go to hell (But I love you guys ) *cries*