@TishaBuv,

I wrote this in my own thread regarding my abusive ex... .I am hoping by sharing it with you, here, that some, if not all of it, will ring true for you in your own state of loving but not loving him - your ex may not be an abusive narc, but he is abusive:

This morning at 4 AM, I'm reading through my narc abuse support groups on Facebook, and on my feed, I found this written by one narc abuse survivor:

"So now, he is gone and I live in peace in my messy house with my happy children..... There will NEVER be a chance for peace or a polite "amicable" relationship between us.... The fact is...in reality...any contact I have with him is DANGEROUS and harmful and I will never be where he is...not ever again."

Through my trauma bonded state, I was trying to end things more amicably with my ex. And you just can't with a narc. It ends badly, with you having to block them, kick them out for good, and exchange harsh words. It is not a pretty ending and rarely, if ever, is with an abusive narc.

All stories I read and hear talk about this kind of ending... either that. or the victim is so trauma bonded that they cannot let go and it has a non-linear ending with reunions, more break ups, and phases of getting back together again, with the ultimate ending of the narc coldly discarding the victim for new supply, and the victim utterly destroyed.

My mom told me yesterday when I visited that my ex was trying to "destroy" me. And this is the harsh truth. During this last round, his threats to take me to court to take away the 17K he had already given me? He was kicking me when I'm already down... frightening me and scaring me that I would next, have to deal with a lawsuit and court, while I'm already down and unemployed, struggling. He very well knows of my struggles.

There is a song, called "Poison and Wine" and it reminds me of the abusive relationship dynamic and the duality of the trauma bond:

Ooh, I don't love you, but I always will
Ooh, I don't love you, but I always will
I don't love you, but I always will
I always will
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give the more I get back
Ooh, your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice, but I still choose you

"Your hands can heal, your hands can bruise" precisely describes the dichotomy of the abuser's character, as they alternate between being loving and being cruel, at their whim.

The times I weakened and reached out to my ex for comfort and support? I wanted the healing hands he offered, and not the cruelty. But with the abuser, you get both, and that's what so confusing and conflicting for the victim to experience.

Another song, "Either Way" also describes the abusive personality:

You were almost kind, you were almost true
Don't let me see that other side of you
You have learned in time that you must be cruel
I'll have to wait to get the best of you
Poison in everything you said
Don't you, don't you
Wonder what difference does it make
Either way?
You were almost kind, you were almost true
Why give away that other side of you?
Happens every time, so it must be true
Step on a kid, he'll grow up hating you

I told my mother that I felt like my emotions were at the end of a yo-yo, with him pulling the string. He would yank me in one direction, and my emotions would follow. He would yank me in another direction, and my emotions would follow. He was the puppeteer, and I, sadly, was the puppet, just as he wants it to be.

There is no nice ending with an abuser or an abusive narcissist. There just isn't. Because at the end of the day, when you've truly had ENOUGH of their abusive crap, and when you finally stand your ground and stand up for your rights to human decency and respect, you realize and know that there IS none with the abusive personality.

And that's the reality. I am in tears as I wrote this, as I think through ALL the abuse I've endured, while being under his thumb and while being his puppet.