So, I went out last night to see a band. I met two guys, who seemed really nice & friendly, so we talked for a long while. I told them about my workshop in May. We were having a nice, lighthearted, fun and very positive conversation.

Then, from there, it all went downhill.

Later in the night, I ended up talking with just one of them outside.

He was telling me how his best friend, the other guy, has a soon to be ex wife who called the cops on him and as a result, he cannot come close to her now. I assume there's a restraining order involved.

They're going through a divorce, and she is accusing him of abuse. So, this guy I'm speaking with wanted to defend his best friend (naturally), so he said she is diagnosed with mental illness and psychosis, and that she was drinking a lot, denying the abuse allegations and telling me that she's the issue.

So, my response to this guy was that abuse ALWAYS happens behind closed doors, no one on the outside EVER knows about it, and the abuser puts on a HUGE act to the world of being a "good guy". I became fairly impassioned, arguing the viewpoint that he COULD be abusive, yet his best friend may not be aware of it.

After several minutes of exchanges about this topic, I had to walk away and remove myself because it hit too close to home for me: the abuser making it seem to everyone else like SHE is the problem, NOT HIM, and it's because SHE is crazy that these accusations are being made.

And this is what makes me SO angry about abuse. It ONLY happens behind closed doors and out of the public eye, the abuser ALWAYS deflects responsibility and accuses the victim of abuse, and the abuser's flying monkeys or friends ALL believe the abuser because he is such a "good person".

This harsh and stark reality makes me crazy.

Naturally, this guy didn't appreciate my perspective very much, but he remained cordial and kind towards me, So, I ended up telling him that I wasn't saying his friend IS abusive, because I do not know. I simply reiterated that often times with these kinds of allegations, what appears one way, can be very different in reality and I gave the perspective of the victim. He barely said goodbye to me when it was time to leave and clearly wanted little to do with me after this conversation/argument.

I woke up feeling pretty low because of this incident.

Not only does the victim of abuse suffer immensely through the experience of the abuse, but then many people don't believe the truth, and she has no leg to stand on, no voice, and no power because she has all sorts of "problems". And the abuser skips away, unscathed, with reputation in tact, looking for the next victim.

In the meantime, the poor victim has developed all sorts of additional issues, such as depression and PTSD, and is completely traumatized, with low self esteem and self worth as a result of the abuse.

I think abusers on purpose choose victims with mental health issues so that they can do just this: DEFLECT ALL RESPONSIBILITY and accuse their victims of being "unstable, crazy, and mentally ill".