I am feeling better today. It didn’t start out that way but now I’m feeling a bit lighter. I had severe SH thoughts and urges before but I braved the weather after the rain moved out (temporarily) and went on a brisk walk. I felt much better after I came back. I’ve eaten terribly today so I feel bad about that but one day out of this many isn’t bad I suppose.

I couldn’t sleep last night, but I did get to sleep by 11. Terrible nightmares though. In one, RS tried to force me into an IOP and said if I didn’t go he would know I was lazy and attention seeking and he didn’t love me anymore. Later on he got into drugs and I threatened to divorce him and he didn’t care. Clearly trauma related. I suppose for some reason this year is harder than others in regards to my first husband’s death. I guess because I’ve spent the past year or two first admitting the abuse and then trying to heal from it.

I’m still feeling pretty bad about myself but I’m just relieved I’m not so weighed down by depression right now.

My ex MIL has CR overnight. Tomorrow they’re going to the arcade for the day, so RS and I are going to head out to Lancaster PA for some antique shopping and lunch. I apparently went there with my first husband but thanks to a round of ECT back in 2014 I have zero memory of it. Like I only know I went because it came up on my Facebook memories. Otherwise I’d have thought I’ve never been there. Should be fun! Hopefully I feel well tomorrow.