Hey Blue_Bird, I know it's tough for you when you have those thoughts but just a suggestion for when you have those thoughts: have you ever tried separating thoughts from reality?

The reality is that the doctor never would select meds that would poison you. The doctor wants to help, and cares for your well-being.

Anyway, maybe trying to remember that during a tough episode would help you. I know it's tough though so please don't think I'm making light of it or saying it's easy to do this.