If you think about it further, both those on your list are ways she emotionally manipulates you. She does this with her children too. No matter what you and your children did, it was never enough. That is why you and your children suddenly felt unsafe when your wife just showed up.

When you are in a relationship with a self involved person you end up feeling like nothing you do is good enough. The environment is always about them and their needs being met. They are the constant cry baby that everyone has to tip toe around.

The only way to change this is indifference. If you were trained to be codependent, you feel this is cruel. It’s not cruel, it’s is allowing yourself to have boundaries.