I’m so tired. Physically, mentally…just so tired. Idk how I made it through work today but I did. I feel hungover from the seroquel even though I took it early and went to sleep relatively early. I fell back asleep after my alarm but thankfully CR is a sweetheart and says goodbye to me every morning so he woke me up. Otherwise I’m sure I would have slept straight through until after work started!

Im so depressed still, I thought I was going to cry just at the thought of going grocery shopping. We went, but I couldn’t concentrate so I have no idea what we bought. I grabbed a lot of grab and go foods because I can’t be bothered to prepare anything right now. My lunch today was mandarin oranges, baby carrots, and pumpkin seeds. I couldn’t fathom even slapping together an almond butter and jam sandwich. It was too much. Im alternating between bingeing and barely eating. If I don’t buy chips and ice cream I don’t binge bc it’s not there. So I’m not buying any. Just a lot of fruit and vegetables.

I still don’t know what to do. I have to slog through but it’s so hard. I know lexapro can take weeks to work. I briefly looked into ketamine at the behest of my therapist but the closest clinic is an hour away. I would need someone to drive me too. There’s TMS around me but I’m not sure. My therapist says it’s not as effective in bipolar depression as unipolar depression. And of course, I could go for maintenance ECT. But I need a driver for that too.

I feel so beaten down. Im drowning in SH and SI thoughts. Im mad again that I can’t SH. Only because RS would be upset and I might get thrown in the hospital. If it was socially acceptable I would do it but it’s not. I guess if you can’t hold on for yourself at the moment it’s ok to hold on for someone else.