I guess mine fits here along with the rest. I sabotage myself and set up a paradigm that allows me to assign the responsibility for my failure to other people, in order to avoid taking responsibility for my own failure or success. I do this in order to preserve the little self-esteem that I have.

T is good. I keep telling her I keep doing things like pushing myself hard and not getting anything done and thinking that everybody must hate me for being so worthless. I couldn't figure out why I do it, and keep saying that I should stop doing that. I'm supposed to be the behaviorist - that's what my job is. A primary assumption is that all behavior has a functional purpose. When it comes to my own behavior, T keeps having to remind me of that, because I'm just trying to beat the ineffective behavior out of myself and it doesn't work.

I'm afraid to take the chance on success or failure because failing again would prove my worthlessness, and I can't afford to lose any more self-esteem.

So the strategy is to set up small successes that are a pretty safe bet, and then require acceptance of responsibility for them. And I proposed getting all of my work finished by the end of the month. Too big! So, instead, my assignment is to recognize when I help someone feel better. I always try to discount it. I have to watch out for that.

I'm scared.

Fuzzy, are you volunteering to help us work on these defense mechanisms? (or whatever you want to call them - in psychodynamic, cognitive, or behavioral terms, it's still all the same thing, isn't it?) If you are, I could use a little help.