I used to be in "relationship" about which I wrote here few times, and people thought it wasn't relationship at all and I was delusional. That broke off couple of years ago, obviously it wasn't working and I was miserable 50% of time. However, it seems to me that in meantime I was getting into new relationships that had no way of succeeding at all. Like, I was with a man from another town who was also almost 15 years younger than me and in completely different stage of life and I was very aware it won't work. And that happened few times more. I didn't want to believe it but it seems to me now I am sabotaging my relationships on purpose by getting with men from different towns or even countries that there is no way I will meet more than once or ever, or with younger men or like my ex, men who have serious problems with commitment too and there is no way I will ever have them.
It looks like a pattern.
I didn't want to see it, but since now one man is interested in me, and he is single, lives in same town, and seems (at least for now) pretty normal, I kind of avoid him. I want to try but also I am extremely afraid I am going to lose my free time, my so to say "freedom" of doing whatever I want (my daughter is an adult and lives independent life so I actually can), and not have any commitment or any responsibility to anyone. To be honest, I like that. But it's a pickle since that means I will probably grow old and die alone, which is 100% possibility. On the other hand it doesn't see like a good idea to be with someone just because you don't want to grow old alone. But since I wasn't in serious or "normal" by society standards, relationship since my divorce 15 years ago, I got too comfortable with myself, my free time, my lack of any responsibility (I enjoy being a mom and adore my daughter so that doesn't count as responsibility to me), my being single... I miss sex sometimes but as I am over 50 now, not as much to be honest, not even close as maybe 10 years ago or more.
Question is, how do I know if I don't like this guy for whatever reason or I am really afraid of relationships? I am not sure if I should give him chance or not string poor guy along. I have no idea if I like him because I barely know him, he is physically attractive but not really my type, he has some flaws in personality but so do I.
How do you know if you are scared of relationship or you subconsciously don't like someone? I was single or in bad relationships for too long and I don't even know anymore.