Interestingly enough, my ex didn't reply to my text at all. As of this morning, I've blocked him again so now he definitely can't.

I did tell him via email last week to not pursue me and to not contact me. And I confronted him on his lies. I am guessing he is retaliating by now giving me the cold shoulder and silent treatment, as abusers do when they are confronted with the truth.

The only reason I unblocked him was to reiterate I don't want him approaching me to try and talk while at this event. I believe that even though I had made that clear in an email, he could or would still violate my boundary as he has in the past. I wouldn't put it past him, let's put it that way. He violates my boundaries constantly, despite whatever I have said about it.

Jay had said in a phone call last night that he's not taking sides, and also told me that we are "dating". So it's official now I guess... we are dating. So I followed up with him in a text and told him that I want him to hopefully be on MY side because I was so badly abused and I need him to believe that. He wrote back saying he is on my side, with a smiley face.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. A really bad day. I got rejected for 2 jobs, it rained for the third or fourth day in a row, and I received the news that my ex is attending this event, all of which threw me off for the entire day. I felt really destabilized and not myself.

This morning I feel slightly better. I am glad I am going, I am glad I am not cowering away from this event because of HIM, and I am glad I am not allowing him to win.

If I don't go, then he's won. I don't want to be afraid of him. And that's how I felt all day yesterday - afraid of what he may try to do, afraid of a confrontation with him, afraid of receiving more gaslighting and abuse if I were forced to talk to him.... any number of things that made me on edge.

And that is precisely a result of the abusive relationship dynamic: the victim becomes afraid of the abuser.

I need to regain my own power, stand up to him and stand tall against him. He can no longer abuse me.