Hey everyone,

Thank you so much for your support. Your advice sounds promising, nightbird. As you rightly assumed, I'm not too familiar with senior assistance networks, so I guess I should try to look into those for my area soon. Any suggestions for where to start?

Sorry about the acrimony and pessimism regarding the US government. Being raised a welfare child and being forced to jump through so many hoops and still not get the little treat they wave in front of our noses like animals is frustrating, demeaning, and humiliating. My conspicuous hostility stems from being let down and left behind so many times... My mom was constantly in and out of the hospital for COPD, lung disease, heart disease, hypoglycemia, emphyzema, and for routine maintainence of her ICD. She was going for so long and so often that medicaid started getting fed up with trying to pay her expenses, especially since the doctors couldn't do too much to help her. What really upset me was that she psased away only a couple of days after being kicked out of the hospital... Had she been in the hospital, she would have gotten the immediate medical intervention that could have saved her life. Instead, she wasrushed to the hospital, kicking and screaming for air (from what I've been told), and wouldn't take the medicine they were trying to get her to take for the heart attack... It hurts me so much to imagin my mother suffering like that during her last moments on this miserable planet....

Today was hard to deal with, as well. I was visiting my mom's side of the family. I don't connect to them at all. Plus, they hate my father with a burning passion. So I was told that my father was not allowed to come, and my dad practically kicked me out of the car (while still on the street) when he dropped me off at my aunt's house. While there, I barely talked to anyone (I don't think I held any conversation for more than 90 seconds) and when I tried to explain what my goals are for grad school, I got blank stares and confused questions ("The study of visual what?" "What the heck can you do with THAT?!"). I don't even think they realize that the third anniversary of my mother's passing (their sister and aunt) is coming up. I've never once received a call from any member of my family consoling me for my loss, and grieving with me the loss we all experienced, on that day... It's like I don't exist.

And here I am again, at home and lonely as always. The only way I'll get to seep tonight is by drugging myself with xanax or even klonopin, and even with those, it won't really be sleep, but rather an artificially induced oblivion to pass the time until I can wake up and face another meaningless, empty, lonely day. Sorry this post is so long... I feel so miserable that I'm nauseous, I have a bad headache, my back and neck are stiff and painful, and I feel a general sense of malaise with the faint perception of impending doom. I don't know what to do, I haven't been this bad in quite a long time.

Thanks for reading,
J