My long term T is the one who I will be saying goodbye to in a few weeks (ish). She’s been doing it pro bono for me for a little while, so I get it. She repeatedly tells me that she won’t just drop me. That she will make sure I still have supports in place.

I am just recovering from one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had since I’ve started panicking (in the last few weeks). I am losing someone I care a lot about. I’ve never gotten a real goodbye from anybody/thing, ever. I am starting to think all of my sadness over my I “never got to say goodbye” themes is better. This extreme anticipatory grief certainly feels a lot worse.

Part of that panic attack is also because I thought my trauma T (E), took medicaid, but she doesn’t. Now all I have in my brain is that I am losing TWO important people of my life at once. I trust about 4 people, and they are two of them.

E has me on a sliding scale right now, and she hasn’t said she plans on kicking me out soon, but now I don’t know.