Back to depressed. Oh how I wish I could find stability again. I only took 5mg of lexapro today because of the mixed episode I seemed to be going into. I might as well just drop it. 5mg does nothing and 10mg is too much. Idk why he won’t give me Emsam. He’d rather me do ECT than just give me a drug I know will work. It’s frustrating. He’s a nice enough guy it’s just clear that he’s not going to trust my own judgment of myself and meds.

I’m hanging all my hopes on ECT at the moment. It’s worked so well in the past. Maybe if I think more positive it will help. Because let me tell you, my thoughts are not at all positive at the moment.

I left work early AGAIN. They know I have medical problems (they don’t know it’s a mental illness) but I can’t just take off whenever I want without a dr note. I don’t know how many more years I’m going to be able to work full time. I guess it doesn’t help to think about, really.

I did get six months of stability last year into this year. I’ll get back to that again, I hope.