You have been and ARE very capable and you have integrity. This is something a narcissist doesn’t have and gets jealous of those that do. Instead narcissists are very insecure and USE others to get their needs met

When you were growing up, there was alcoholism and dysfunction in your parents. You began to take on a role where you often took over to keep things going. You did this with very little praise so you did not realize your true value and even felt guilt when dysfunction flaired up. This is known as codependency.

How your wife got you was in the profound compliment along with her being attractive. So you married and you set about getting skills so you could support a family. You believed you could have this perfect family and it would be different then what you grew up with.

You always had strengths and a willingness to work hard. But you married a woman that was not capable of loving you the way you loved her. Instead she was a user and her constantly changing moods left you always on edge.

Then your wife began using alcohol and became alcohol dependent. This made her even more moody to the point you never knew what to expect. Your system already knew this from how you grew up. And that old self blame came with this dynamic where it must be your fault.

This stress and anxiety is what your children developed. They began functioning in survival mode not understanding what this means. This is what creates post traumatic stress and anxiety problems.

When your wife left you and the children felt some freedom. Any time your wife came around you all began to get triggered. It is best to have one safe parent and a safe environment then to have a presence that has shifting moods that creates that constant anxious feeling.