I think your thoughts and feelings are completely understandable given the situation you have outlined in your post and I wish I knew how to help.

It seems that you are in an anxiety and unhappiness provoking situation. And at the same time you are deriving contentment from the love you feel for your partner with some caveats.

Would it be correct to say that you are having misgivings about a long-term, committed relationship in these circumstances?

Sometimes when one is somewhat conflicted, it can be helpful to consult a psychotherapist. This does not have to be a long-term thing.

Good therapists have a lot of knowledge, experience and insight and can look at things with a certain distance and can often help a person sort through conflicting forces acting upon them.

Since I am not a therapist myself, I wouldn't know what to say that would be helpful and I would hate to say things that might make things worse rather than better.

Do you have any close friends who you could talk to about what it going on?

Hopefully members here with more knowledge, insight and experience will see your post today or in the coming days and respond to it with something truly useful and truly helpful.

It is difficult and painful to be conflicted and I am sorry that I don't really know how to help you.

Sometimes in really thorny situations, it helps me to not only write down a list of pros and cons for various courses of action, but then to prioritize them. If I figure out what is really important me and what is less important, it seems to help me a lot.

I sure hope you are able to get some peace of mind so that you can make decisions that are optimum for your life and health!

My heart goes out to you!