Today I'm just feeling extra sad and angry about something that happened a couple years ago.
This is just one of those life altering situations that is taking a long time to heal from. I go through periods of not thinking about it at all..and then days like this where it just all hits at once.
When I was in middle school I met someone who in time came to be one of my best friends..someone Id have predicted to be a lifelong friend. We'll call them AJ. I was friends with AJ roughly 14 years before they decided to cut me out of their life..in some manner what seemed out of no where. It was so unexpected for me and so painful that it feels the equivalent of a breakup. It hurts pretty much worse than any breakup ive been through. I mean..your best friend is supposed to be that person who never leaves. She was supposed to be my maid of honor. She was one of those people I shoulve been friends with til we died.
Amongst alot of similarities, we're both part of the lgbt community. We tried dating once but that was when I was newly discovered my true sexuality. We quickly realized that wasnt our relationship and we were better off as we were..and for years after that remained close friends.
There seemed to always be a pattern of similar things happening in our lives. We would refer to it as being synchronized. Even when we wouldnt talk for months or see each other for a while..when we came back together it always seemed like we had been going through similar things.
I would say there are things in that friendship that looking back on it now I realize are toxic, and I can certainly admit shes not the only one to have made mistakes. I certainly had moments years ago when I feel theres something I couldve done differently. But I think what alot of it comes down to is our differences definitely superceded our similarities. I would say she had more of a dominant and strongly opinionated personality. Id describe myself as more passive. She was more reserved with her emotions, where as I feel like mine are ever flowing. I'm more of the type to want to communicate and resolve issues where she was more likely to just shut it down and not talk about it. I think ultimately thats what led to the point of her cutting me out... misunderstanding and unwillingness to communicate, mixed with grief that she was dealing with.
A couple years ago, I got into a relationship with a woman I'm still with today..whom I'm going to marry. I knew pretty early in that relationship we would last. Ive just been through too much toxic ******** to know this one was different. And it has been. It's been the healthiest thing ive ever known and taught me so much about communication and just love in general.
During this same time, she had been dealing with the events which led to the death of her father. She had been caring for him and doing alot to care for her family up until the day he died and after.
I think thats the first time in the span of our friendship where we were going through a drastically different time in our life. I was experiencing love while she was experiencing death.
She had warned me during this time she may be more distant which of course I understood completely.
I would reach out to her time to time.
During this time whenever I tried to talk to her or let her know what was going on in my life..she shut me down in ways I never experienced from her.
Of course I told her about my new relationship because it was a priority in my life and I knew my girlfriend was someone who would be around for a while. Thats not something I couldve hidden. Its something I was very happy about.
She out of the blue ended up telling me there is "no way she could pretend to be happy about my relationship."
That really caught me off guard..it was very out of character. She was usually someone who would be supportive of me through anything.
She said she wasnt sure how she could support be being with someone she had never met or knew anything about.
I didnt know how to respond to that cause on one hand..she had been indicating to me she couldnt talk much..which I respected. So how am I supposed to tell her all about my girlfriend?
But then saying she cant support my relationship without knowing anything about it.
I really dont understand that even still cause I mean..
She always supported me. And I would have supported her no matter what.
One day I recall expressing to her I missed her but saying I feel like I shouldnt be saying that to her cause during her time of grief she seemed like she didnt want me to talk to her and I just dont know how I'm supposed to communicate at this point.
She left me on read..and then weeks later blasted me with a highly unexpected response.
At this point her response is vague in my mind. Probably because it hurt me so much, I had to numb myself to it.
It was something along the lines of I told you I needed space and pretty much how dare you try to talk to me during my grieving period and saying she felt that there was no point in her putting effort into this friendship when we didnt live close. There was some worse words in there but I just cant recall them. It was too much for me to handle.
I was really just taken back by all of it because first off, she never asked me for space, she never said she just didnt want me to talk to her. She said that if she is distant and can respond thats due to the things going on in her life and again..I fully respected that.
I felt gaslighted to a great degree because the way she disrespected my relationship and yet made it seem like I disrespected her when I didnt ever do anything. All I had done was pretty much tell her I miss her. And somehow she didnt receive that well.
It just was all painful because she was someone who knew me best. She knows my character and would be someone who should know I never have bad intention. Also, its frustrating after all that time being friends..she wasnt truly willing to communicate. She sent me this in a snapchat message and just ghosted me. Just like that
I still to this day cant wrap my brain around what happened. Ive gone through the details of a lot of things that happened in our friendship and I cant help but wonder if there was a more deep rooted issue. It just seemed like any time she had a problem with something I said or did..shed not be willing to really talk about the issue. She would just push it aside and then go on as if nothing happened. I'm more for communicating and resolving issues and taking time for those conversations.
I just idk.
I'm hurting today and needing to vent about it I guess. I'm kinda wanting an outsiders perspective.
When I look back on our friendship I can see some patterns that I dont think I could of recognized until after this and years of reflection.
She liked to be in control and sometimes I feel like she liked to see herself as above me. There were times where she could be randomly condescending.
She also had a track record of anger issues. Once she had a strong opinion about something..it was hard to make her see differently.
I also noticed that there were times she would treat me differently. Like how she was towards me when it was just us..is pretty different than how she treated me when around her family or friends.
It would take me another whole book to explain that but long story short..I always felt like she thought of herself as higher than me in alot of ways.
There was so many amazing things about our friendship. We went through so much together. I had such deep love and respect for her.
I just think in the end..the toxic outran the good.