I crave mystical experiences.

I always have. Always.. When I was a teenager, I remember.. The electronic dance and festivals etc, that I wanted to go to - but never did. I was hopeless and depressed lol.

I had a really good, happy day (No drugs either) - My mom said that it makes her very happy for me to be happy. It's just, as it gets to nighttime, and I'm about to sleep, I reflect.. Idk. It's a heaviness.

I can't ask God to take my will and free myself. Cuz I think I'm doing the right things. At least I thought. It'll take time to figure things out.

But isn't it always that people have at least 1% (Definitely way more than that on average), craving to figure out their existence, repair and make sense of their past traumas, and create something out of it (Either for themselves, or other people) - That's even when things ARE okay. For most people (In the Western world), it's much more miserable than that - Stress, meaningless slavery for the rich (But with a disconnection from spirituality etc). I'm like that too (Most days). There's much much more - It goes on and on.

Like with life, there's a certain unique path that everyone's on - But there's a main objective truth, in this specific combination of order and chaos.. - Billions of people, spirits and objects can change with time, going off course from the thing.. So what is meaningful for me (And others, that are still my reality - Always in the moment), is what's important I guess... But it can go the opposite way - And match your own self/relation to it all (Nothing/meaninglessness);

So you look at a positive perspective. But then, it can go the other way (Again), and go against that. That's why there needs to be some faith. Like Alan Watts said "When you walk, you don't know that the floor will give beneath you - That's faith".

Anyway, tomorrow will be another good day. I just analyze a lot of my mind.

Why are mystical experiences euphoric? Idk. Maybe it's divine progress that moves us/the world forward - And pain? Just to balance it out. People grow from suffering.. And that is what creates. With schiz, like smoking salvia - Something in the spirit realm is damaged (With brain chems) - And I really think that's trauma, a disturbance. Lol - All of this could be nonsense =]