If in fact you had been dealing and are dealing with a covert narcissist in your wife often these feelings of guilt and pity take place. This kind of narcissist is constantly functioning in a loop between elation and depletion This type of narcissist tends to present as fragile and vulnerable and they use this fragile presentation as a way to gain attention and power.

In a family, everyone feels uneasy and learns to live in a love starved state. What becomes most important is feeding this disordered individual so there is some sort of peace. This is what learning to become a codependent looks like.

What struck me in listening to you describe your wife’s behaviors and what these other women have come together in getting their needs met IS narcissistic. They have decided the best way to get their needs met is to become USERS.

There is NO LOVE instead just using. As long as you pity them and feel guilt they control you. The only way to heal is to see your own value. To understand you are not a failure.

It’s understandable that as you see the reality you experience anger. The key is not to seek revenge or lash out. This can be hard, but to lash out goes against your character of being a good caring person.