I SHed yesterday. Ugh!

I tried so hard to stop myself. I tried various distraction techniques and other techniques to stop myself. The desire was just too strong. I even texted a crisis line but it was too late.

Now that it has been about 15 hours since it happened, I think I know what was going on and why it didn't have the effect I was hoping for.

It boils down to control. I think I was seeking a level of control but obviously I was not in control to an extent. I still made the choice though but it was driven by a warped desire that I wasn't in control of.

I now have some more perspective and feel better for it. I now understand that SH is not going to get me to where I want to go. I think it's out of my system now. I won't do it again because I now know it's not the solution to my problem.