I got up at 3:30 am. My sleep schedule is SO off these days.... 3, 4, 5 am wake ups.... UGH. And I haven't gotten my period in about 2 months. I am peri-menopausal and it's driving me nuts lately.

So, I woke up thinking about Jay this morning, and about how he never replied to my last texts.

I think it's rude to not reply at all, especially given what I was saying to him, ie, at first that I wasn't at peace over it and that I was falling in love with him, and then the next day telling him, no worries, it's all good, that's only how I felt in that moment.... he could have at least replied to my very last text and said, "Ok, good, I am glad" or something along those lines. I feel it was disrespectful to not say a single word to me.

He did tell me not too long ago that sometimes he's not the nicest person. That raised a red flag for me... I hadn't really yet experienced it, although he did make a couple of mean comments to me on one of our longer drives together, or comments that could be interpreted as mean. So, maybe I have seen this side of him, and also just recently by not replying to me.

In hindsight, I don't think he is the best fit for me, and I am glad that it ended now.

He is a bit of a drifter in life at the moment. He could lose his home any time now.. the owners want to rehab his current home, which he is renting short-term, and they could tell him in a few months time that he has to leave. Then where does he go? He quit his full-time property management job a year ago, and is still doing odd jobs like mowing lawns and driving puppies to their new owners to make ends meet.

He also says he is a loner and would prefer to live isolated in the woods. When he visited my home, he told me he could never live where I live, which is much more like living in a small, bustling city. I live in a burb of the city. I love where I live and cannot imagine living isolated in the woods as an adult or by choice. I grew up an an isolated woodsy area and I hated it... we were 45 mins from the city and it sucked as a kid and teenager. As an adult, I wouldn't like it either. I need culture, people, and nightlife nearby.

I guess I was a bit tunnel visioned about the fact that he loves the same outdoor activities I love and the same music, which we're both passionate about. He is also a very good kisser, and I thought he seemed nice, gentlemanly-like, and gentle at first. I zeroed in on just a few qualities I liked and wanted to run with it.

But there are some pretty big differences between us that probably would drive us apart, even if he were up for a commitment. He believes CNN is "fake news" and that Trump is great. I watch CNN every morning, and I cannot stand Trump's personality. I don't know his politics, and I don't claim to know - I am more apolitical and don't follow that closely. But I still cannot stand the orange man and the way he conducts himself in this world or with other people. And I don't believe that his claims to the 2020 presidency & election are legit.

And the loner part? I can be very independent, but I am no loner. I am very sociable and need and want social interaction. He can do without,

I felt I could relate to Jay because I too am in an "in between jobs" place in my life. But Jay appears to truly be drifting, whereas I aim to either get a job OR start a business, or both. I have goals, and I am about to start a second certification course. He just kind of randomly throws out there that he would love to move to the Caribbean to be a boat captain. But, is he pursuing that? No.

And what about his son? How is he possibly OK with living far away in another state from his own son, and not being able to see his son on a frequent and regular basis, when his son is only 11-12 years old?!?

And then there's also the fact that Jay leaked out to me more recently that his ex has him blocked on Facebook and refuses to get on the phone with him. She will only text with Jay. Red flags. What's HER side of the story, I wonder? I asked him WHY she wanted a divorce, and he never gave an answer. So, WHY does she STILL have him blocked, and why does she refuse to get on the phone with Jay?

And, lastly, when I FIRST told Jay I had been abused by my ex, you know what his initial response was??? How did you provoke him? And what did YOU do to cause his behaviors? So, he was victim blaming me, thinking that I somehow provoked him and deserved it! Another RED FLAG, and maybe even the biggest of all. But there's lots of red flags here.

I guess I was truly on the rebound, and didn't even really realize it. I guess I wanted to replace a partner I had lost and fill the missing void. And only now am I seeing this.... well, then Jay likely did me a big favor...

And, I've learned a lot through this one relationship encounter. Don't just look at a few qualities that you like and run with it... evaluate the WHOLE person... and, those red flags, well, there were plenty of them... he also "runs away" when things get complicated? Yet, another red flag... life is complicated! I think he's an escapist and runs away from life 's realities altogether.