So I board two planes to fly across a continent to get from where I live to where my family of origin has its roots. I arrive at the home of a sister whom I haven't seen in ten years. She'ld been encouraging me to make this trip. She's graciously hospitable. Five days later, my other sister - from a hundred miles away - arrives to join us for a sisterly reunion. She's been driven here by an adult daughter. This is a niece whom I've always been especially fond of.

We all go out together, and we eat and we drink. We come back to the house, and we eat some more, and we drink. We talk and we drink. We're all talking and laughing and cracking jokes and drinking. My sister and niece who drove here are inclined to be a bit loud and rowdy. I start to notice that this sister keeps cutting me off in mid-sentence when I go to say something. I have a hearing deficit that my relatives don't know about. (It's just developed in recent years.) I'm somewhat struggling to hear who's saying what and find gaps in the conversation where I can jump in. I keep getting cut off by the loud, rowdy sister who I'm sure doesn't even realize she's doing this. I feel frustrated and increasingly stressed. Again I start a sentence, and I'm cut off. At that point, I blurt out the following: "If I could just finish an effing sentence!"

I said that thinking it would sound kind of humorous. I realize immediately that I sound like an irritable crank. The room goes silent. I feel bad. However, rowdy sister doesn't seem too taken aback by my outburst. She encourages me to share my thoughts, and the 4-way conversation quickly resumes. Soon it's rolling along cheerfully.

An hour later, loud sister says something, after which I say something that contradicts her. A little back and forth ensues, but we're not mad at each other. However, my niece jumps up, gets in front of me and says, "I won't tolerate you talking to my mother like that. That's the second time tonight that you've been out of line." She goes on a long, very angry tirade. My sisters and I sit there silently, while my niece stands over me going on and on, having a complete emotional breakdown and giving me h€££.

Eventually, her mother tries to stop her and quiet her . . . and tells her she owes me an apology. She becomes very tearful and says she's sorry, but then stamps out of the room. She was obviously still very angry. I need to interject here that my niece has been getting treated for an emotional disorder.

Before my niece left the room, I did say that I too was sorry and that I regreted being snippy. After my niece left the room, her mother asked me to please not be affected by what had just happened. I went and sat beside her. She then started to break down crying herself, but stopped. Next she seemed angry. At that point, it dawned on me that she was rather more inebriated than I had realized. I said goodnight and went to bed.

Everyone else went to bed. I stayed awake in bed all night, feeling horrible. I felt hurt that my niece would get so hostile toward me. What was worse was that I felt so guilty that things I said had provoked her. In the morning, she and her mother left before I got out of bed.

I had planned to spend a week visiting this other sister. Now I feel like I won't. Though she's an adult, my niece lives with her mother. I told the sister I'm staying with that I changed my mind about going to stay a week with my other sister. This sister I'm staying with told me she let my other sister know that I would not be visiting her. I kinda wish she hadn't done that. My decision on that might have changed.

I can still change my mind and arrange to spend some days at my other sister's house. I probably should try to repair this rift. But I feel intimidated. My niece seemed so furious at me. Mainly I want to get onto those planes taking me home. I came out here to cement bonds with my family. Instead, the opposite has happened. There's been a lot of emotional turmoil in our family. I thought we we had gotten to a better place. We haven't.

I feel so bad. Part of me wants to smooth things over. Part of me is too disheartened. I just want to escape this. My return ticket is booked for 8 days from now. It can't be changed. I'm thinking of buying a one way ticket that will get me on a plane and out of here sooner. That seems wrong to do. But I feel like this trip has been a fiasco, and like I now don't care what anyone thinks of me. I screwed up everything.