This is what is coming up for me at the moment....the feeling I carry within me, the feeling of being so totally alone is feels like psychic death...which of course once-upon-a-time it would have felt like death...

I said something today in T that made sense. I said when someone I know is going away or not going to be in the place they normally are, I feel like death, but once the situation arrives I feel ok, yeah I miss them but its never like I fear its going to be. I think its because no matter who isn't around, the fact is *I* am still around.

We know I was left alone a lot as a baby and this being left alone would have felt like *I* wasn't there because a babys mother or caregiver is the *I* at that stage in life and its that feeling memory that i carry within me...

I said to T I feel like I've got an itch but can't find it to scratch it. T said, but the more you talk about it the more words we put to it, the closer we get to the itch. Shes right because talking about that *I* has been a big key for me today...

Theres still that ancient memory inside of me that I still need to reasure that its ok *I* am here today.