I hope things start to improve for you and that you get help if you need it (which it sounds like possibly you could if things don't get better soon).

This is off topic, but did you used to go by another name here? Seems I remember someone posting often in the Czech Republic (my ancenstry is nearly pure Czech with a bit of German, hence the blond hair) but maybe by a different name? IDK, I've been away for awhile (since 2020, according to my log-in earlier this week, and God knows, I don't trust my memory on bipolar.