So much of what you post, I could have written about my own life. Much of it is true today. You aren't alone.

I may have mentioned this before, but someone on the boards talked about a book titled The Verbally Abusive Relationship. (Who was it? Thank you ). It walks through the whole concept of problems like what you describe. You and I think we are trying to reason with, and get on the same page with, our spouses. If they just understood where we were coming from, what we were trying to say, things would be different....

But they seek only to remain in control. To have power-over. Their objective isn't cohesiveness, or partnership, or give and take, it's to feel in control and powerful. They probably aren't even doing it consciously, but there should be consequences for failing to participate in the relationship in a meaningful, mutual way.

Once I understood the actual dynamic that was going on, it made things easier to deal with. Still depressing and hopeless at times, but at least I no longer beat myself up and look for angles to make things better. Because it can't be done. At least not by my will.

She's messed up, it's not you.