I’ve always been glad to have my son get older so he’s less dependent on me for things. I never did well with a baby and small child needing my constant care. Now that he’s older he can get his own food (I do still provide meals don’t worry), he can stay home alone for short periods of time, he can take his own showers (with encouragement, he is a preteen boy after all), he can take his own allergy medicine.

But man am I starting to get sappy. CR will be thirteen in six months. It really hit home this weekend when I realized his clothes are too small and he needs new ones. Thing is he’s in the largest size of kids’ clothing so now he has to wear adult men’s clothes. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal but It’s just like a punch in the face. I can’t believe he’s already this big. How long do I have before he stops wanting to hang out with me or talk to me? Sigh. It’s all part of being a parent I know.

Today we set up our fish tank and got some fish. We got a couple of schools of tetras and some gouramis. They’re all very pretty. I’m happy to have a fish tank again. My first husband had a 75 gallon cichlid tank. I gave it away to my friends when he died. They still have some of his fish.

I’m not feeling the greatest today. Not terrible but kind of down with SH thoughts floating around. I forgot to put my lexapro in my med box this week so I’ve been without it for a week now. That could be contributing to my slight depression. And also the crazy anxiety I had this week. There was a lot of being convinced either RS or CR was dead. My therapist says the only way to get through those thoughts is to accept them for what they are. I’m afraid to do that because I feel like if I admit the truth then I am inviting disaster. I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to get away from this anxiety. I’ve had too much death related trauma. So she’s right. All I can do is accept that the thoughts are there and try not to get lost in them.

Three days of work this week! Then three days next week, but really only two for me since I’ll be out one day for treatment. The year is winding down. I am going to work summer school but it’s only half a day four days a week for five weeks. Just something to do and a little money.