@Blueowl, it's Ok to realize this later on... please be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for what you have been unaware of until now.

Narcissism and narc abuse can be very confusing, because the narc can be all loving, sweet, and kind, and then flip the switch and be unloving, insulting, and hateful. This back and forth, on and off behavior confuses the victim immensely and it's so difficult to discern which behavior is the real person.

I recently divorced my narc husband. We were together nearly five years and married nearly four years. He was very abusive, but also very loving too, and I was ensnared in his trap for years, feeling very confused and torn between the two sides of him. When he was loving, I wanted to stay with him. When he was hateful, I wanted to leave him. Finally, I figured out the same thing, ie, that he is a narcissist, and that I had endured narcissistic abuse. Once I started learning more about narcissism by watching helpful and educational videos on YouTube, it all made so much more sense. I ignored red flags that I saw in the beginning, and still gave him a chance. I wanted to get married SO badly that I wanted to believe that it would all just magically be OK. But it wasn't. I learned a most valuable lesson.

So, my advice is to work on forgiving yourself... you mention it a couple times that you feel stupid and naive. Allow those feelings to give you the chance to learn something from this and gain something positive from your experience that will help propel you forward in life more confidently.

The fact of the matter is, anyone can fall for a narcissist - anyone. And they typically choose those who will boost their false image of themselves - they typically pick strong, successful, and attractive partners... kind of like those who want and need a trophy wife.

The other piece of advice I can give is to educate yourself on narcissism, narc abuse, and on healing & moving on from narc abuse. This helped me so much in my own healing process, enabling me to forgive myself for what I didn't know, and move forward confidently in life.

Today, I feel far more equipped to recognize the red flags and to avoid these types of men. I already ran into another narc, and figured it out on just one date!

Also, to answer your question. No, these people do not end up as the winners, and us the losers. YOU win by realizing this and getting yourself OUT. He loses because most partners figure it out eventually and most will leave. He can keep up a facade to the outside world, but really, deep inside, they are living in sheer MISERY. They already suffer, so no, they don't win.

So, please don't beat yourself up - I imagine you've already been trough SO much pain, anguish, and heartache with this person that you don't need to add to it yourself.

Hugs to you... feel free to pm me if you want additional support, resources, or advice. I am a member of a few narc abuse and divorce support groups on Facebook and can give you YouTube channels to follow and watch as well.