A harsh verdict? That is why you're caged in this pattern. Nobody in this world can make you feel good about yourself. Nor is it their responsibility. Relationships are a two way street. Sure you have an emotional reaction to being with someone you like. But that's a surface emotion built from superficial moments.

And no it doesn't take "20 or 30 years" to value yourself. Mine happened in a moment and in retrospect it was survival instinct kicking in because I was tired of beating my head against the wall with the same results. The TRUTH of my circumstances was I looked at it all wrong.

You may ask what is so important about loving yourself. Its because that's where your reasoning for where you fit and who should be around you comes from. Let me ask you something. Ever been to a restaurant where the service was bad and the food was terrible? Ever been to a restaurant where nothing on the menu was particularly to your liking and the prices were too high?

Okay. Now in both instances, why wouldn't you go back to those two places? Well for the very reasons I mentioned. You see it objectively. You KNOW what you like to eat, at what cost, and you want to have it prepared properly and provided by friendly faces because after-all you're paying for it. There's a value assessment happening there.

Now if you didn't pay attention to those factors and kept going back to those restaurants, chances are good you would get very tired of eating food you didn't like, lousy service, and going broke eating there. Who has to point that out to you? The waitress that ignores you? The restaurant owner? Your friends who don't go there? No... You figure that out for yourself because you KNOW what you like, you KNOW what you don't like, and you KNOW how you want that experience to go for yourself. Guess what? Meeting people are like that too.

When you understand yourself, you develop an understanding of people you want to be around and those you need to stay away from. If people are not reliable or don't do what they say they're going to do, why do you waste your time with them? Your time is important. So, no it doesn't take 20 or 30 years to figure these things out.

Do the things you like to do and enjoy those things. If you can find others who like doing those things, then see if they fit. Most people in life are not exact fits. Some people are good for friends to hang out occasionally. Some are good to talk to but have bad habits so you keep them at arms length. Others are more available and may be something worth pursuing. But time with them bares that out. However, none of these assessments are possible (just like the restaurant analogy) if you do not understand what you want and or need.

Just spending time with people is no measure of yourself. You need to learn to trust what you like and accept the fact meeting people are going to carry different experiences, so you need to understand what it is you want for yourself before you start assessing whether these people work for you or not. That's why its important to love and care for yourself. It offers amazing clarity when you understand yourself. Suddenly you can read the menu quite clearly... not to mention the prices. (;