I'm trying to talk myself down. I think the main thing is to stop reacting. I'm putting myself at the mercy of other people's moods and behaviors by being so sensitive. It occurs to me that sometimes, when I am talking nervously with my sister, I could simply be quieter. It seems we are talking over each other a lot. We've been having these highly pressured conversations when the two of us are alone in a room. I don't say anything about the "gents." Other family matters that caused turmoil in the past have been vaguely alluded to. I tiptoe thru our conversations like I were walking thru a field strewn with landmines. We were discussing what's to be done when I die, as I have no children and this sister is the person who currently is empowered to make final arrangements for me. She is responsible and agreed long ago to do this. When she fulfilled that role for my parents, she got flack from other siblings. It's the classic story of what happens in families when a parent dies, leaving assets. I tried to not get between any of my siblings. I was glad I lived far away. It had seemed they all reconciled and the turmoil became water-over-the-dam. But today my sister made some allusions to how she didn't appreciate hearing from other people's lawyers back when she was managing my parents' estate. (BTW, I was the only one who didn't lawyer up.)
I don't like this stuff being dredged up. I decided the best thing for me to do was to pipe down and clise my mouth.

It started off as a congenial conversation about how tricky lawyers can get. She told me of a settlement she got subsequent to a lawsuit she was involved in and how she hates having anything to do with lawyers. It had nothing to do with me. I related how I too was not real happy with some experiences I had with lawyers. These were our own respective experiences and nothing to do with family stuff. But somehow she took the conversation in a direction where she was starting to revisit the turmoil in our family. I have to not get lured into any such conversation. It's just picking at old wounds. Sometimes I'm not real quick on the uptake. I'm not a fast thinker. So I'm telling myself to take refuge in quietness, when there's the risk of a conversation going off in a direction that just leads to trouble.

Being here and trying to avoid trouble is stressing me out a lot. It's like running an emotional obstacle course. When I feel stressed, I'm liable to say something ill-advised. I need to calm down and be less reactive . . . more inert. Maybe it's good I'm learning this. I don't need to react to everything. Just let stuff go by.

Right now I'm alone in this house. They had appointments. I'm telling myself to just calm down.