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CANDC
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Member Since: May 2014
Location: Northeast USA New England
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Default May 24, 2023 at 08:53 PM
 
@Ardo09 welcome to MSF. I am sorry your friend has experienced a loss that was totally unexpected. Those kind of losses can be difficult to face and can often elicit denial or postponing.

Everyone grieves differently. Some people are sobbing on the casket and some people postpone grief into the future until they can manage grief or when the crises slow down.

I have tried helping people in the way that I think they need help. What I finally figured out is they need me to stop trying to fix them and work on why I feel so compelled to help others. I am not totally clear on why that is but when someone is not open, I do not try to press them. I listen and see if there are little openings not to solve the problem but maybe to start to warm up that iceberg that resists grieving now but may some day be ready.

It is like the old saying, "you can lead the horse to water but you cannot make it drink." When the horse is thirsty it will drink if there is water around.

So if you stop trying to get them to grieve, how can you relate to them? If you can answer that question, you may be able to reinvent your role in that relationship to a concerned friend that is happy to be their friend. Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear, but I have tried fixing a number of people and it has been a total failure so I am not in the Fixit camp anymore

Hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC

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