not a good day today. yesterday i found out when i’m going to the inpatient place (next wed). But the director told me that it is now. a 7 day program and it’s more focused on getting you through the crisis and what to do when you leave.

i understand all of that. it makes sense. i called there earlier today for a reason i can’t remember, but the woman on the phone told me that the individual therapy will be different. since it’s a shorter period of time, it will be more focused on stabilizing you, and then see ya later! she didn’t say the last part. but that’s how i feel.

it reminds me of the place i went to in November. I hated that experience. I felt like i did not get any therapy, and there were a few other things.

now i am having doubts about going. i am already at like. 15/10 with anxiety right now with all the things i am dealing with. at least me going to this place i knew and felt familiar with would be the same. And it’s not.

I don’t know. I’m in so much pain (emotionally and physically), that it consumes me. and i need it to end somehow-but my life is really dependent on how much money i will have. I don’t have a diagnosis yet, so that’s stressful. I might have to move back to my dad’s house. i always thought i would never have to go back. And traveling with three cats for 8.5 hours terrifies me. Especially my one cat who has “potty accidents” every time. and then she was frozen at the vet. she tried to find the farther place to hiide, and sat there, terrified.i can’t do that to her for such a long time. i know there is medication options, but still, it would be rough. and i really don’t know how the other two would react either.

and i wouldn’t have the same support back home. there is family, yes, but we don’t do emotions. And the fact that I am losing my long-term therapist soon is breaking me. i am terrified my other therapist who i really like as well, doesn’t terminate too. Both of them are letting me go for free right now. But that isn’t sustainable.