It just seems like there is never an appropriate place or time to express my negative emotions or I don't know how to navigate it.

At ft work, I don't think I am allowed to show anything but positive feelings of confidence and professionalism. I have resist showing frustration and impatience at tedious tasks. I have to maintain professionalism and acceptance when I get told off by someone more experienced or higher position and be open to criticism. And even if they are not higher than me, I am still the outsider trying to show I belong there. I feel like I have to try to maintain positive polite interactions or else they might be cooperative with me.

Then there is my pt job at the store. I have to behave as though I'm in a great mood, ready to help, and be polite all the time. If I get a rude customer, I have to play dumb for the most part 😤. And I have to forget it happened when I get the next customer because they are not going to like it if I am not cheerful. I push myself to be positive because I don't want to be the one they blamed for a lousy experience. I try my best to help everyone whenever I can.

At home: I can probably show more of my emotions but then they don't really like it but who does? And I am having to hide my emotions again when I feel like it's just going to get them down or upset.

I just want to succeed because I don't want to lose what I have. The cost would be too great.

If allowed priority to all my feelings, I imagine all the things I would lose and it's a horrible feeling.

I wish I was more positive but in reality I am not. I feel like part of self care is maintaining my jobs so I don't end having no choices again. I fear poverty because I experienced it and it's terrible having to depend on others who end up feeling resentful towards me.

And because in the past when I allowed myself to give priority to my emotions, nothing great came out of it. A lot of damage was done and no progress was made. And I tried medication and I had abusive psychiatrists who mistreated me, etc. I feel like I have PSTD from psychiatrists and doctors.

I just want to be independent and have a stable income and stable relationships.