Artie: Thar must have been so scary! I am glad your mom is doing ok, though.

This past week has been rough. Medicaid is so confusing. Me and my mom were on the phone for 45 minutes trying to figure it out. It was nice when I had a job and didn’t need to know the ins and outs of insurance.

I still haven’t received unemployment benefits. I filed on April 28. Me and Nancy are bff’s bc we’ve spent so much time trying to get me the benefits.

I go inpatient tomorrow. This is the one that I’ve been to multiple times. Well, I found out during the admission process that it went down from a 2 week program to a 7 days (max) program. After I hung up the phone with the director, I had a panic attack (those are new. so fun) Then someone else told me that the individual therapy we get every day is different as well. It’s more “solution-focused.” To me it feels like “Let’s get you out of the crisis and move on! Goodbye”

I’m not sure if that makes sense. I’m not sure I entirely get it myself-the extreme anxiety over it. Both of my therapy sessions on Friday didn’t feel good to me. Unless I get a job w health insurance (that my therapist takes), we are going to have to stop treatment as they don’t take medicaid. I am consumed by grief over this, because yet ANOTHER thing has been “ripped away” from me in the past few months. All because of this mystery feet problem.

I got a more detailed letter about this nerve study test. I won’t go in details, but it involves needles. Which I hate.

How do you completely start over? I still may have to move to NY (I live in VA). this is going to be a month to month issue. If I focus on it too much, I panic. I am doing my job requirements to get the unemployment benefits, but I am just applying to jobs I know I won’t get, and/or I have no interest in.

I don’t know how to change a career. I’ve worked in child care my entire adult life. I loved it. Now what?

Whew. Sorry for the novel. I do not have many people to talk about this with. It’s been so so hard to keep going. I’ve called our crisis line so many times this week. I did not sleep at all Friday night, and called at 10:00pm, and then at 3am. The 3am phone call was very rushed bc it was a busy time. I thought that was interesting.

I am so scared to go in tomorrow, for so many reasons. I also am scared to leave. Yes. I am already stressed about that. Oh, how wonderful anxiety is.