Thank you so much for your detailed and with so much insight answer. i'll have to think about it all, but just know that for me the logic is the same: its about getting control.

what i get from self destruction? peace of mind. i feel i deserve the worst and get and push myself to the limit. i get a clean conscience as if i deserved to be punished....

thats it for now, i'll have to think more about the rest of what you said.... and THANK YOU! you're the best! hugs