Dear T, sometimes as well as the maternal transference I get erotic transference with you; I get sexual thoughts about you. I’d never be able to tell you because I’d never want to make you uncomfortable or for you to think I was disgusting. It’s not even like I want anything sexual to happen between us (that break of boundaries would make me feel unsafe especially with everything I’ve been through) I just can’t help the thoughts. I’ve tried to make the thoughts go away but they’re still happening. Sometimes I wonder how you would react if I ever told you. It would be a weight off my shoulders, but I worry things would never be the same again once you knew and I could never un-say it. It sounds like such an f-ed up combination with the maternal stuff as well, but I think it comes from different parts of me.

(MSF - if anyone has experienced anything like this before please feel free to comment. I feel so alone.)