My husband has an outdated notion that he hasn't been abusive because he didn't physically touch me. But emotional and verbal abuse are as bad or worse. To me, that sounds a bit like what you are dealing with. Going around in circles with one or both of you jockeying for control.

Look up 'reactive abuse' as when you get to the point of losing it, that might be what you are dealing with. My DH used to be good at goading me into that place.

Something interesting that I've only learned this last year is the difference between anger and aggression. Anger is a healthy, natural emotion that we feel. Anything we do about it is aggression. So yelling isn't anger, it's aggression. Throwing or hitting an object isn't anger, it's aggression. The distinction is important because anger is something that affects the one person internally and aggression is something that affects others externally.

The end result will be that you can't control him, you can only control yourself. In dealing with him, you'll need very strong boundaries that just put a dead stop to anything he tries to bait you with. Figure out that if you can't reason with him, you're wasting your time and getting sucked into an endless loop. Some people like to argue. My DH is one of those- he likes to argue, he likes to feel like he won, or at least had control. It gives his brain a happy hit. Don't be his drug that keeps it going. ADHD is one of those things where fighting makes certain individuals happy. You can look up "Saturday morning fight syndrome" - it's a thing.

I feel for you.