I feel inadequate in everything I do. On a rational level, I know that is not necessarily true. I know some feel priviliged to dance with me, it does not feel that way. I know most people are in awe when they see my paintings. For me, they feel merely ok. I know that studying at a University with one foot still in a depression is quite a feat. I feel like a failure because I have to spread my program over two years.. So there is always the discrepancy between knowing and feeling. I sometimes think seeing this is something to build upon but I always end up trying to achieve more.

Where does this come from? Well, I was bullied (and quite violently too) in primary school. Then I had a father who wanted me to study something specific and who made sure I failed in everything I tried before that, making me insecure about my world view, my abilities, ... . I ended up in a master where I was in constant conflict with my peers, professors etc. because I shared nothin with them (and I believe my anxiety involving building up social bonds largely stems from there). At the same time - and continuing after my father died shortly before graduation - my mother was very abusive (verbally). Then I had two partners, who were very demeaning. The first one cheated on me for two thirds of our relationship the second probably not but she was more manipulative and dominating.

On top of that, the constant failure to build up friendships and - especially - romantic relationships not only makes me insecure whether I pick the right tone, get involved with the right people etc., but it also reaffirms that I am not good enough.