Dear fellow-sufferers,
I shall try to make this understandable for you. It hurts!

One of the reasons because I am so fond of schedules is because I have «tons» of experiences around that without a schedule my thoughts, hidden behind inner doors, have a tendency to pup out and make me feel sad or inferior, like I am some sort of «dirt» at the bottom of the rank ladder. (I have a high academic degree).

As I told in my former post, this morning felt OK and I felt so comfortable that I could allow myself a little space outside of the schedule. Suddenly I found out that some people had given one of my grandmothers an incorrect title. It is not that titles in themselves mean something to me, but the information somebody had put out on the Internet was wrong. I felt it degraded my father's mother.

My parents are complete different personality types. I cannot understand how two so differnt people became married. I am almost like some sort of my father which my mother regretted that she had married. If you have heard of «parentified children» you know where I am coming from. My mother told me everything that, in her view, was wrong with my father. The problem was that those traits were the same as mine. When you hear your mother tell you that the traits you can recognize in yourself are the same as the traits that is a disgust to her, you don't feel very loved (she is clever with small children, so at least I got the first important attachment years in a positive way, but I was sick and at hospital for some months, so that loss of both parents for a while must have done something to my feeling of safety).

Sometimes before I became a teenager she made me to be her most confidential "friend". I did already feel like a jerk because in my school it was a custom to mock new people in the class. I was one of the new children and felt very alone and down before I found other friends. (I had a lot of friends before we moved). On top of this loneness I had to be my mothers nearest confidential and learn in an indirect way how far away form her standards I was. I didn't feel lovable.

My father was some sort of an artist. I have inherited many of his creative traits. He was also very fond of doing things in an ethical way, and so was and am I. My father was an intellectual and so am I. My father thought me how the see the beauty in nature and much more ...

My mother made a lot of good dinners and invited people over. For that she was admired. Please don't think she is a narcissist, because she is not. But she like to please others and make fun (just like her own mother). She is not especially fond of books.

I have been a good cook as well and before when I did not live alone, I invited people to come home to us as well. My husband saw that my mother didn't recognize whom I really was. It was so good to hear it.

He is no longer among us and children and grandchildren are not in the nest anymore. Nobody tells me that I am OK the way I am anymore.

Back to my father and his mother. He was born out of wedlock and in those times that was almost like catastrophes. Everyone who had been lucky enough that their boyfriends married them when they became pregnant were very clever in mocking the alone-mothers. So what I felt this day was that the whole branch of my grandmother, my father and me were not good enough.

None of my coping strategies helped. I became more and more and more sad.

I have used years in therapy when I was a student. The therapist was the first I met with an education. My father had to quit school and provide for his mother and younger half-brother when his stepfather died. (He, my father, spoke five languages). When I started therapy it felt so good to meet other people with academic interests. I wasn't alone or «nonsense» as my mother called it. If my mother had read this, she had felt that it is «nonsense» for me to feel this way.

I hope I have been able to make myself understandable. It is not about titles, but about getting opened an inner door of old inferiority feelings.

I look around myself, here I sit in my pajamas (the clock has passed 08:00pm). My tables are messy. I have three badges with garbage that I couldn't go out with in my pajamas. The floor needs to be de-cluttered. Oh, what a terrible person I am. Or am I?

No, I refuse to let old inner invisible rejection harm me! Of course I could not go out with the trash when I was in the pajamas and of course I have had no time to do household cores when I needed to take psychological care of myself because of all the May celebrations (that could trigger a few days of "high"-feelings if I wasen't careful enough with my psyche). I feel calmer now. It helped writing it down, but my energy level is low.

I will have to decide tomorrow morning how to go on with all the stuff I need to do. I hope to be able to go to the grocery shop and to do parts of the housework.


For those of you believing in a higher power, I need prayers! If some of you have the energy to write a little positive response to this, it will probably be of help!

To all:

PS. My mother is kind. She always remember all her familymember from youngest to oldest with gifts all the year around. But to be able to accsept the differnces among us I needed help from therapists. But sometimes it becomes too much when the inner old memories knocks at my doors. The problen now is not to become stuck in this situation. DS.