Feeling guilt is part of healing and grieving. Narcissistic individuals don’t think about how their behaviors contributed to a relationship failing. Instead they double down and site any errors they can find and they even rewrite history saying you did things you did not do.

What you chase is the illusion you created and this is common in those who believed the narcissistic individual had cared more than they did. Disordered individuals can have very narcissistic/selfish behavior patterns. That is why alcoholism/addiction problems are considered very narcissistic and toxic.

Any time you have doubt and think you could have changed or fixed her, look at your children that she has hurt and traumatized so much.