Given the right environment, you can and will get over this. I have a troubled sexual history with my ex wife too. It started out with stories of approximately (she was 24 at the time) 80 one night stands, a number of whom she had done all kind of bdsm like experiments with. I had been single for 8 years (I was 36 at the time) and was very insecure. You can imagine what this did to me. She started doing all these things to me, more so when I indicated I did not want this. When I stopped protesting, she stopped. For a few years we had a reasonably healthy sex life but the last three years (of a relationship that lasted 10 years) I went through the same, being granted only the sight of a strip of flesh for the larger part of the last year. It drove me crazy. I was even more insecure than before, not just about my skill but about the essence of who I am. But I do also remember that in our good moments, sex was awesome. It was what she did: to give me just enough to keep longing for more.
For me, at the surface, it was all about chores around the house: if I did this or that, then ther would be sex. Later I had to do something to maybe get some sex - she would often initiate and then turn me down in those months - and in the end she had realized that it took no more than undressing and changing into her pijamas to keep my hopes up. Often, if it came to sex, I too had the feeling I was assaulting her but honestly, I think that the manipulation and the mind games she played were more of an assault. It is OK to not be in the mood, even if that is for a longer time but even then, our ex wives could have handled this in a more respectful way. But they didn't, they deliberately chose to play their own game of thrones (yes, it is all about power).

And then, a year and a half after we broke up, I got into a relationship that lasted for almost a year. I never realized why I experienced fear during sex. I did know why I felt no connection. But as I did not realize there was a link between the physical pain I had experienced before and my fear of that moment, I did not discuss this with my therapist. Things got better and I eventually overcame my fear - also because I did feel an emotional connection rather then the transactionality of erstwhile -, without any specific therapy. I am not sure what the future will bring, I might experience the same fear and insecurity in a next relationship (if there will be any), I might not. But I know I can overcome this. And I am quite confident that you can too, if you ever give your trust to somebody and if you can overcome the emotions that come with the first steps.

Speaking largely from my experience and the way your story resonated with me, your ex wife used sexuality to manipulate you. In different ways than my ex wife did, but the intent was the same and sex is a powerful tool to achieve that goal. You did not injure her. She injured you.