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Mouse_ said:
Jinny, Whenever I read your posts I see me often. I know what you are trying to say here, and I know how that place feels...for me I Hurt a lot of people before my coming into recovery, and I've hurt people during my recovery, which is still on going...for me I am constantly testing how much I can trust someone by how much I can push them...then one day I push perhaps that little bit to much and then I've lost them...what did I expect? I was trying to find their limit and I found it....I've come to realise the ONLY person I can really trust with my pushing is my T...other people in my life are just like me, humanbeings trying to get their best out of their lifes too...and if that means they have to let me go then thats what they will do...I mean haven't I done that? I have had to do that with a couple of people during my life time...its not that they are worse or more evil then me, its just I get burnt out pretty quickly...I've found a lot of this has calmed right dow since I first got into recovery over 5yrs ago....infact my real life isn't very much like my online life at all.....I guess because eye contact and body gestures help me take the paranoia away from what I think is going on...if you really want all this crap to go away and not to have to keep wondering if your good enought, then you will have to keep working on you and your life...then one day it almost becomes irrelevent what others think of "you"...and you dont have to worry that perhaps your doing something wrong? and those that you did finally push away you will be able to look back on them with some saddness but also with gratitude that they actually pushed you on to change your life...hope this makes sense...

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