I've been replaying my sin, my narcissistic injury, of looking at porn during my marriage.

The fact is, when my wife found my browsing history, it was because I was purposely negligent in deleting my history.

I was trying to provoke something. I was breaking at that point. At that time we were 2 years into consistent marriage counselling.

My wife had been very effectionate and physically interested in me until we got married.

Then, like a switch, it stopped.

Affection became very one sided. Interest in intimacy became very one sided.

I was straight up told:

My medications ruin my libido, and I have erotic dreams that give me orgasms so I don't need to be together physically.

She was stunningly beautiful. I told her, this is like living beside a bakery and being forced to be gluten free.

Every time she initiated, I responded, because... All of the above reasons.

When I initiated, if it resulted in sex, I was told:
Can it be quick?
Do I have to do anything?
Can I just lay there?
I'll give you 5 minutes and if you're not done, not my problem.
Just do what you have to do. Don't touch me too much.

Then, intermittently, there would be mind blowing sex.

Oh my God.... Did I ever grow resentful. We addressed this in counselling numerous times.

The first time I said, I need this, I have nowhere else to have this in my life and I want this with you, only you, she countered with, "Then maybe we should just divorce."

Then it became,dating her with enough originality, investment, planning, etc., would result in sex. Also, the slightest misstep at any point would also result in the night going off course and us requiring a do-over.

Once we had a family, corralling kids to bed, keeping them there, THEN pulling off a date night with no interruptions was required to get some physical interest.

And... Once in a while it worked.

Most times no. BY FAR, it didn't.

I was also doing most of the family work, and working, like always.

So, yes, I took the easy way out at times and looked at stuff online.

At the time she found my viewing history we had addressed this topic for over 10 years.

We had also gone, not counting during pregnancies, in excess of 12 months with no intimate contact despite my frequent requests and date attempts on at least three occasions. Three one-year periods of no intimacy, and little affection.

I think I injured her. I think I truly caused her a profound narcissistic injury. I also think a narcissist will induce situations where they will become injured then play the victim.

RDMercer