I'd met her via the Zoom course she taught and then we spoken on the phone after that a few times and mostly communicated through Facebook. We have a mutual acquaintance.

I agree with your observation that people don't show you their true selves until you actually meet them in person.

I feel like if I had stayed in a hotel, the situation would have been similar: she would have left me hanging without any plans b/c she would have been on the phone all day fighting with her mom. She hadn't suggested any site seeing activities when we spoke on the phone before I booked my plane ticket, despite sharing with her that I wanted to visit certain tourist attractions in her city.

She also didn't tell me before I booked my plane ticket that she didn't drive or have a driver's license (I didn't ask her why she didn't have a license, maybe I should have in hindsight; maybe she never got her license or she lost her license due to a driving infraction). She didn't tell me that she is a cat hoarder.

The way she so dismissively treated me yesterday, makes me think she's used to sycophants around her, b/c of her last name. She has published a few books. So, I think she assumed I'd just do what other people around her do; placate her b/c of who she is. She just assumed I'd allow her to cross my interpersonal boundaries and not hold her accountable for her actions.

The fact that she didn't apologize to me for the way she chose to continue to take phone calls from her mom throughout the entire day, is also a huge red flag for me. I don't think she cares that she ruined a potentially great friendship with me. I don't think she respected me based on how she treated me either. Like, I bought a non-refundable plane ticket. I assumed I was going for a fun, normal, quick weekend visit to site see and hang out with a new friend.

It was a horrible mess. She could have easily set boundaries with her mom and told her mom to stop incessantly calling her b/c she had a house guest. She told her mom I was there and talked about me as though I wasn't sitting in the same room as she was. That was really boundary crossing for me. It made my head hurt.

It really traumatized me, you know? I'm starting to process it now and hope to get it fully processed quickly so I can let go of the stress it caused me both mentally and physically.

Me too. I have never been in that kind of situation before with a person, where I felt physically and emotionally unsafe to the extent that leaving was the only option.

Yes, I flew home yesterday. So, I am home safe now. Thank you! I'm glad people can see my side of the situation. I don't think I was wrong to end this new friendship because of what she did to me yesterday.

What is it that Oprah said, "when people show you who they are, believe them." She showed me that she didn't respect me and that she doesn't apologize when she does something wrong. Why would I want to forgive someone like that and give them a second chance?

The bedrock of a healthy friendship is mutual respect of boundaries, trust, and to feel safe and secure when you're with the person. I didn't feel respected by her. And I definitely didn't feel like I could trust her in the future, since I didn't feel safe or secure as a guest in her house.

When I told her that I didn't feel safe in her house, that I was afraid she'd try to hurt me, instead of acknowledging my feelings to validate my concerns (even if my feelings or concerns were irrational they're still valid because I feel them based on my environment) , she just deflected with, "no one else has ever said they feel scared to be around me." Such an emotionally immature response because she doesn't want to take responsibility for her choices.

She kept saying, "I'm sorry my mom is incessantly calling me," before going into her bedroom to take her mom's incessant phone calls for the duration of the 10 hours I was at her house yesterday.

So, she wasn't really sorry because she completely dismissed my feelings by continuing to take her mom's calls and just leave me sitting there, wondering what was going on. Like, my feelings don't matter at all.

She could have easily managed expectations for everyone, by setting boundaries with her mom, "I'll call you tomorrow, Mom," and with me, "we can plan some site-seeing to do x,y, and z." That's what mentally healthy people do. Not her. Bringing in the 'other people believe I'm a good person so you're wrong' claim to manipulate me to second guess myself.

I found this blog about the difference between healthy and unhealthy friendships. I know I haven't been a healthy friend and have complained about it here in my posts on various threads. But the difference between her and me, is that I'm striving to get better at making and keeping friends as an adult.