A friend pointed out that I have a cognitive dissonance with art and she has cognitive dissonance with her hobbies as well. I only vaguely remembered the term from my college years that I want to forget. I had to look it up.

I am often never feel like doing art because I don't see the value in art and the supplies I get are expensive. Instead of buying nice clothes, takeout meals etc., I get these supplies which I know my family would disapprove. Then I feel guilty about it afterwards but I want it at the same time.

I also don't think my art is that great either and I don't believe that I could get better if I practiced more. I don't know how to enjoy doing art because it will never pay my bills. It's just another consumeable.....so I don't produce much art works but the obsession for art supplies is too much. I have to talk myself out of buying anymore.

I struggle with all these conflicting thoughts. I'm trying how to stop conflicting thoughts to reduce the cognitive dissonance. I might try to find there is value to doing art.

Perhaps, I am going to unexplored territory. And if I tried not to think about the negative aspects of art (cost & time, etc.) and allow myself to do it without being critical of myself, I might find out what it is about art that I like...

But then knowing myself, I will always feel down on myself for liking an expensive hobby. I think it's not something I can change. It always stressed me out. So actually I stress myself out...Nobody is making me get these supplies.