I am so glad to hear they are teaching about avoiding abuse in school!

There is a lot of strange and not right in the head about her behavior in the examples you give. Her wanting sex to be quick and over, and saying it is painful is very strange. “Painful” due to her not being aroused, I assume. It sounds like she was too repressed to be able to discuss sex at all. Some women feel pain during intercourse due to other internal reasons, like the way their bodies are built. But it is as simple as using a lubricant sometimes. But it sounds like you both couldn’t be open enough to discuss and try that. No one would want to have intercourse hurt and continue to do it like that. Maybe she just told you it hurts because she wanted it over with quickly, and wanted for you to feel bad about it.

It’s clear she sounds not mentally well. The things you described are not necessarily the behaviors of anyone with ADD or a PD or an alcoholic. They are just faulty thinking and terrible communication. Maybe she wants to be seen as a victim, maybe she gets some advantage by that. But it sounds like she destroyed her life and her family. Maybe the (subconscious?) drive to destroy your life is the link to a PD or mood disorder, which she exacerbates with alcoholism.

How are you moving forward with her at this point? Is she just living estranged from you and the kids?