Have been walking in the woods with some friends. That was good, but I still feel troubled because of "the happenings" I wrote about last week. It is not the happenings in themselves, but layer upon layer with bad happenings. It has become too much for me. Beneath my smile I am struggling to put SI thoughts away. Of course I will continue to try to stop them, but it is scary. It is like life has lost it's meaning. Please don't tell me to contact a medical center. They will send me home with some advice that perhaps will work for a short time. To try to find a psychologist that is paid by our common insurance is like to look for a needle in a haystack. It takes 3/4 of a year to get one. I cannot afford to pay someone out of my own pocket. So I have to continue this fight alone ...