Dear T,

It appears my mind is realising that first session back is looming. This extended two month break has reminded me that I can do life, without therapy. The work I did with Ex T put me in a really good place with regards to now having friends and hobbies and supports in place, and taught me largely how to have and to manage my emotions on a daily basis, rather than living life feeling numb and almost dead inside.

Because of the break I am sleeping better than I have done for a long time; I am not constantly preoccupied with my past; haven't had a nightmare at all; have more money to spend on treating myself and looking after my physical health and I am generally doing good.

I must say this is leading me to really reconsidering again what exactly I am doing in therapy. I mean, I know what I'm doing... I'm trying to find a way to confront and open up to my family about what he did to me. I'm trying to find a way forwards that doesn't include harbouring this secret. I'm trying to find a way that when I am with them I don't have to pretend to be someone I am not. Despite what he did to me I do want a proper relationship with him. Is that f***ed up?

But I have been in therapy for what, seven years now? I guess we two years of COVID might not count. And I guess that I've only recently really started working on the trauma side of things, but so far it doesn't feel like anything has changed. It doesn't feel like anything will ever change and it honestly feels like I'm spending £600 a month to feel awful.

Am I better off just accepting that this is the way it is? That what happened, happened, and that it can never be undone? Am I better off just living the lie that we have all seemingly been telling ourselves? Keeping the secrets hidden? Am I better off trying to come to terms with the fact that I can't get over this, and the possibility that that means I can't have the kind of relationship with him that I want to have?

My mind is thinking again, and I don't like it.