The way you are second guessing yourself is normal.

When it comes to abuse, abusers are very good at just seeming to be able to tune into their victim's level of tolerance. They rarely push their actions into the place of no-turning-back unacceptable, because that would be... well, unacceptable. So they feel out that threshold where they feel the power and control they seek, but it's not so bad that the victim thinks it's a deal breaker.

With my own dh, it's often not about the stupid, thoughtless things he's done as it is that there's no having a rational adult conversation about it. He drives fast? Maybe he's not such a bad driver at times, maybe it wasn't that fast, but if I was uncomfortable and wanted to discuss my needs to feel safe and anxiety free while on a trip, the subsequent conversation would leave me reeling as though I was a terrible person with no idea how to drive a car.

If he loves and cares about me, wouldn't he want me to feel comfortable and have a nice experience while riding with him? Wouldn't that be in his best interest? In the best interest of our relationship?

Maybe your wife has the same inappropriate and covertly power tripping pattern? Key word being 'pattern.' The behaviors aren't a problem in and of themselves, it's the pattern of those behaviors and the treatment toward you that develops over time. It's never a one time problem with them, but we generously pass it off time and time again as though it were.

Omg, mine sneaks too. Paranoia? Intel gathering? It's messed up.

Love should communicate, not confuse.